I’ve struggled over the past couple of days to find the right words to write. There’s so much on my mind and I just couldn’t seem to put it into words. I feel like I’ve been falling. These past couple of months have been one giant leap of faith, a step off of the ledge of surrender, and I’ve been tested like never before. Strong emotions and fears that have been building up over the past year piled so high, that I felt crushed under the weight. But tonight, I no longer felt like I was being overcome by these emotions and fears. Rather, I felt caught up in the arms of Jesus. I felt held. Secure. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve woken up with the choice to either succumb to fear or trust that God would hold me. Some days, I would walk into my school and feel immense anxiety over the “what ifs.” Other days, I would feel joy in my heart, knowing that God is walking beside me. I’ve been confronted with questions that I still don’t have the answers to and old fears that I thought had gone away.
But then Jesus lifted me out from under my fears and held me.
There is honestly no possible way that I would be standing here proclaiming hope in the midst of chaos and pain without Christ. No way. I’ve been broken down to the point where the only thing I can do is surrender everything to God. Let me tell you, there is peace in chaos and hope in midst of circumstances that are unthinkable. I was never meant to walk through the trials of life without the one who created me. He knows me and loves me deeper than anyone ever could. He provides hope needed to keep moving forward and wisdom to try and navigate hard questions.
He provides LIFE over death.
I have been trying to fix my problems on my own, covered with the statement, “But I’m surrendering this to God.” In reality, I still held control over my problems. Realizing this has brought me to my knees. It has provided a breathe of fresh air because as I have tried to fix everything, I found that I just couldn’t. That was so frustrating for me. I’m the type of person who likes to have control of situations. I always want others to have the perception of me that I am “put together.” This thought process was draining rather than life-giving as I thought it would be.
Recently, I was able to take a weekend to realign my heart and surrender to Jesus and I realized that all he has wanted me to do these past few weeks is to just sit and be still before him. Psalm 37:7 says this:
Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
That’s a hard thing for me to do but it was so needed. As I have begun to be still before God, I feel refreshed and alive in Christ. My heart is starting to feel whole again, starting to heal. My trust has increased. I feel fully surrendered. I feel content. I’m still trying to process through complex thoughts and emotions but as I bring them before God asking for wisdom and discernment, I feel things start to become clearer. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Everything won’t make sense all at once but I trust in my creator to complete what he started. I can boldly come before my father and lay down my worries and fears. I can boldly ask for wisdom in the areas I still need clarity, increased trust in those areas that lack faith, and increased surrender of those things that I cling tightly to.
On a side note, when I started writing this post, I felt like I hadn’t quite figured out the ending. It felt incomplete, like there was still something I still needed to learn. Not even a day later, I was at a leader retreat and was asked to read through Psalm 37. As I came upon verse 7, I knew that God was telling me to just be still before him, to let him fix my problems. I had found my ending. It felt complete. I always find that when I write something, it never happens in just one sitting. I usually have an idea but still be processing through it. Then I will be hit hard with the conclusion or the ending that God was trying to teach me. Writing these posts has allowed me to process through a lot of really confusing things that I’ve dealt with. I always feel like my life is still being written. Each new phase will take a while to complete but God will complete the work he has started. So if you’re reading this, thank you for taking the time to listen to just a small part of my heart. I hope that you feel encourage by these words.